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By Jack Godbey

Columnist

As we get older, it’s important to try and eat healthier. Back in the day, I could buy a can of Vienna sausages and a box of saltine crackers, and my evening was planned. However, these days, I try to make better choices. So, when my wife and I were trying to decide on a restaurant to eat at, I was ecstatic when she suggested a buffet style restaurant. I kept my cool and pretended like it was no big deal. However, on the inside I was jumping up and down like a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader.

In my quest to avoid eating like an army of hungry pigs, I try to avoid the buffets as much as possible. I was afraid that I had gotten a little rusty at the buffet rules but as soon as I stepped in the place, the rules of buffet style eating all came rushing back to me. I remembered the game plan, avoided the vegetables, and piled my plate with as much meat as it will hold. I took a deep breath and said to myself, “Let’s do this”. I saw a sign by the front door that said, all you can eat. I had to laugh a little because they clearly had no idea who they were messing with here. The restaurant will do its best to trick me into filling up on the fresh baked breads and starchy foods like mashed potatoes but they’re not dealing with an amateur here. I skip those items and go right for the meat.

As I stood there at the bar, it was as if I had died and gone to carnivore heaven. Every variety of beef, pork, chicken, and seafood for as far as the eye could see. Suddenly, I began to think about our strange relationship with food. For example, in our culture we find it acceptable to eat certain animals while others are taboo. We wouldn’t dream of eating a dog or cat, yet we eat chicken by the bucket. However, I saw a chicken on TV playing the piano. I never saw my dog do that and yet they are curled up on the couch spoiled rotten while the chicken fries in the pan. How does that make sense?

Maybe the idea is that we only eat ugly animals and not the cute and cuddly ones. If that’s the case, then I’m glad I’m not a lobster. They seem to get a raw deal because they’re ugly. I feel your pain lobster. When I was a kid, I was a homely little feller. I only had one freckle. Unfortunately, it covered my entire face. I scrubbed my face with everything from lemon juice to bleach to try to get rid of them with no luck.

There are animal rights people that are always throwing a fit making sure that chickens and cows meant to eat are raised ethically. I have often wondered, why doesn’t anyone protest the treatment of lobsters? They already have low self-esteem because they know they look like they got hit with the ugly stick. Then we find it acceptable to drop them into a pot of boiling liquid alive. That’s a hard way to go. Experts say that the lobster doesn’t feel pain. If you believe that then you probably believe the breadsticks at the Italian restaurant are really unlimited.

I suppose the lesson here is that we shouldn’t complain when we have a bad day. Just be grateful that you are not a lobster.