Getting your Trinity Audio player ready...

By Jack Godbey

Columnist

I’ve been doing everything in my power to keep cool these past few weeks with it being hotter than nine shades of hell outside. There were a few times that it was so hot, I considered pulling off my clothes and going down to the park and running through the splash pad. That gives a whole new meaning to the phrase free willy.

Since it’s too hot to cook, it gives me the perfect excuse to eat pork rinds and bologna for supper. Imagine my surprise when I went to the fridge and noticed that I was totally out of bologna. How could such a tragedy happen? I slathered on some sunscreen and made my way to the store wiping the sweat from my brow as I went. While there, I saw a young man who looked to be in his early 20s walking around with a toboggan on his head and his friend had on a hoodie with the hood pulled up where he looked like the Unabomber. They made me break out into a heat induced sweat just looking at them. It’s hard to fathom a time when style came before comfort. It was then that I realized that I was the grumpy old man that I used to make fun of.

I’ll admit that my thinking has changed a bit as I grow older. There was a time when I tried to look my best when I went out with only the newest in-style clothes. Now, what’s in style is whatever clothes that still fit. Is it wrong that I now have a favorite pair of pants?

I recall when “One for the road” meant one last drink. Now, it means peeing before I leave the house. Afterall, we don’t want a repeat of the great peeing my pants incident of 2022. I still can’t look the clerk at the Piggly Wiggly in the face. I swear the clerk and the bag boy are snickering behind my back every time I go in the store. 

I used to wish for world peace. Now, I just wish people would use their stinking blinker once in a while. Is that too much to ask? I used to think that exercising was important. That hasn’t changed as I still do crunches several times a week. Well, if by crunches you mean eating bacon then yes, I absolutely do crunches.

They say that with age comes wisdom and I couldn’t agree more. For example, I used to think that I would benefit from anger management classes. However, as I’ve gotten older, I realize I just need people to stop irritating me. Problem solved.

I remember as a child I always wanted to help my father work on whatever project he had going on. Many times, I would walk into the room to find him talking to himself and I never understood this. Now that I’m the age he was then, I find that I talk to myself quite often.  It’s not that I’m crazy, it’s that I just need some expert advice and I’m the only guy that tells me what I want to hear. Except for that time as a child that I lied to myself and thought that I could fly and that jumping off the outbuilding was a great idea. It wasn’t.

One thing I can’t seem to figure out is why do all the people my age look old except for me. I haven’t aged a day since the 80s. Sometimes, I feel so sorry for them.