Give what you did not receive

Published 12:56 pm Thursday, March 5, 2026

These words sound like an oxymoron. How can you give what you did not receive?

To understand, we need to look back on our formative years.

Our parents got some things right, but they also got some things wrong. There were gaps in our parenting, maybe some gaping holes. Maybe we had parts of our formative years where we had to self-parent or figure things out for ourselves.

From what I can piece together, my mom was the least-favored child by her mom and the youngest of three. Ironically, Dad was the most favored by his parents and the youngest of five. Mom could be wonderfully tender or fiercely jealous and protective. Dad was wrapped up in his own world and rarely made any attempt to meet me in mine, yet he had a love of order and doing things right, which I also appreciate. My parents’ formative years affected mine. They always do.

There were things they did not get from their parents and things I did not get from them. I missed out on some unconditional love, so I learned to be a “good boy”. I also missed out on a lot of appropriate socialization, so I became introverted and insecure.

I have a little saying, “You don’t begin to know how messed up you are until you’re forty.” We grow up thinking our life was normal. Usually, there is a part that was not normal or even healthy, but it can take a good while for that to sink in.

We all could make a list of things we did not receive from our parents, our teachers, and others who should have mentored us.

So what? We could think, “I didn’t get (fill in the blank), and I turned out ‘okay”. So, we continue the pattern of our parents.

The easiest thing in the world is to repeat our parents’ errors and deficiencies. It comes naturally. We tell ourselves, “I will never (fill in the blank again)”. But these things are sneaky, and we often do the same darn thing in a way that superficially looks different, but really is the same trait. We became like our parents!

My adult children could tell some stories about how I insisted their behavior was upstanding in every way. After all, I was a pastor. There were expectations, and those expectations may have been more stressed than love and acceptance. I wanted them to be “a good boy and a good girl”. Their good behavior reflected positively on me.

As a pastor, I was obsessed with my work. It was just different work from my dad’s. I was totally in my world with little time for family.

These are the things I did not get and did not give. They hurt me. They hurt my kids, my wife, and others. Since I was hurt by them so deeply, why would I inflict them on others, especially those I love the most? Why not give them the opposite of what I got? Give them what we did not get?

Where my imposed expectations overshadowed my unconditional love and acceptance, why not change the balance? There is no trait more noble, more nurturing than love and acceptance. Where the importance of work overshadowed the importance of family, why not flip it? It is not going to mean much if you sacrifice your family for your job.

This is a lesson for me. Maybe you need to hear it too.

Give what you did not receive.