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By Jack Godbey

Columnist

As I ponder life while waiting for my Hot Pocket to finish cooking, I realize I’ve spent over 22 years in school getting an education. I am not counting that strange first year of kindergarten where I spent most of my time eating crayons and trying to prevent getting plummeted by a speeding basketball to the head during recess playing dodgeball. No, I’m talking about those years where I learned something, such as how to read in the first grade, my history classes in high school and all the way to when I finished my Ph.D. a few years ago. 

However, if all that education has done anything for me, it’s definitely made me a thinking person. Sometimes, I sit and stare out the window and think about the answers to life’s questions. The first lesson is that there is no perfect Hot Pocket temperature. They are either frozen in the middle or the contents are hotter than the devil’s tail. Second, I think about other important things such as what I would do if a mob of clowns attacked me. “Going for the juggler,” takes on a whole new meaning in that situation. I’m terrified of elevators, but it’s alright; I’m taking steps to avoid them. 

Sometimes, I wonder if I should become a vegetarian. Then I remembered that doing so would just be a huge, missed steak. Yes, I’ve learned a few things in my life. Primarily by trial and error, but I learned them, nonetheless. For example, when my wife says to wash the grandkid’s clothes, she means to take the kids out of them first. How was I to know? I was pondering what my cat calls me behind my back the other day. I’m sure it would be “Fatty McButter Pants.”” Then I realized that even if my cat could talk to me, she probably wouldn’t. 

Like many of you, I spend a lot of time thinking about eating healthy. One thing that I’ve learned is that it’s essential to eat a balanced diet. So, when you eat your bologna sandwich, hold one in each hand so you’re balanced. Plus, two bologna sandwiches do a great job if you’re looking for a way to suppress your appetite. Fat people are harder to kidnap, so it’s a safety issue.

I’ve learned that when the milk sticks to the side of the plastic jug, I shouldn’t drink it, again. However, I still don’t know what cottage cheese is supposed to be. It isn’t milk, but it is not quite cheese. It seems to be having an identity crisis. That’s okay; I know a few people like that. 

 I’ve learned that some people are just stupid, and no amount of education will change that. I heard a guy say, “America is the best country in the nation.” He should return to the college he graduated from, punch them in the nose, and demand a refund. 

I’ve learned that politics is never a subject to be discussed at work. Not to mention that my political views are simple: Everybody sucks, we’re screwed either way, so vote however you want. 

 I’ve learned the hard way that bathroom etiquette is essential to keep my wife from beating me to death. Not only am I supposed to change the toilet paper roll, but evidently, I’m not supposed to pee on the wall, either. My wife saw me in the driveway today with a five-gallon bucket and a garden hose, and I was standing a few feet from the bucket, trying to fill the bucket without getting any water on the driveway. When she asked what I was doing, I told her that I was practicing for my next pee. After all, I “aim” to please.